This morning I woke up covered in sweat and my heart pounding. It wasn’t hot enough in our apartment for me to be that hot, but I knew the reason.
I took in a shaky breathe and made my way outside with Persephone. It was just before six and as I stood outside I had an inner battle with myself.
Do I get up or do I just go back to bed?
Sleeping only sometimes helps my anxiety go away after I’ve had a PTSD episode during the night. Sometimes, I’ll go back to sleep and I’ll wake up feeling more refreshed and less anxious. But sometimes, it just makes it worse.
As I was thinking about what I should do today, because that’s what is happening right now, today. I heard/saw the words of Victoria Schwab in my mind. She says this often on Twitter, “Get up, get up, there are worlds to conquer.” And so I’m up. I got up today.
I’m still feeling incredibly anxious.
But I also felt a rush of imagination and determination as I pulled out my Start Today journal and wrote down things I’m grateful for, dreams I made (am making) happen, and my big goal right now.
I also had a break through with one of my characters in my book and things are gonna happen.
I’m not saying that those things would never have happened if I’d crawled back in bed. And I’m not saying that I’ll 100% not crawl back in bed as soon as I’m done writing this post. But, I am saying that I’m trying to fight. I’m trying to take care of my mental health in a way that it is healthier than I have in the past, continuing to learn which coping skills work best and what helps me the most after an episode.
As of right now, I don’t know what the day will bring. But I do know that even though I’m feeling anxious, and I’ve got flashbacks and memories dancing around in my brain right now, I’m going to be okay. I’m going to keep moving forward. I’m going to choose my reaction to my anxiety instead of letting my anxiety control me.
So that’s that. It’s time to get up because there are worlds to conquer.