I Chose to Stay

TW: suicide, suicidal thoughts, postpartum depression

Tonight, tonight I sit here and my heart is full.

Today was a normal day for us. Von woke me up early (around 5:30) but then she fell back to sleep. I got ready and did some writing before it was time for breakfast, reading, and playing. All the stuff we do in the morning. She also got to watch Mickey while I did some homework and started the laundry.

She had a hard time getting down for her nap, but pretty soon it was late afternoon. Griffin came upstairs and I said “today is a good day” and he said, “yeah, it’s life day.”

two years ago, on November 20, 2018, I was done.

I didn’t want to be here anymore. I prayed for God to come and take me, cause I didn’t really want to do it myself, but I would if things didn’t get better.

I sat on the floor of the bathroom just sobbing and praying and honestly, I don’t really remember what else.

but somehow, I got up off that floor and looked at myself in the mirror and I said “not today.” I went and got a crying Von out of her crib and we called my mom. She and my sister were at the mall, laughing and possibly Christmas shopping. I said it was a hard day, but we wouldn’t really talk about what was going on in my mind until later.

That night, as I got ready for bed I pulled out my journal and wrote for the first time in a while about how I didn’t really want to die, and how I was going to fight to make my life better. Part of me was thinking “well maybe if it isn’t better by this date, then I’ll do it.” but I wasn’t about to go down without a fight.

I’ve been fighting and living for 730.

I am so glad I’m still here. I’m so glad I decided to stay.

It hasn’t been easy. I’ve had some of my hardest days in these past two years. But today, today I got to celebrate life, because I am still here and I’m gonna keep fighting.

2 years ago I was deep in PPD. I wish I’d gotten more professional help then, but I am getting it now. It’s not a sign of weakness if you need help. It’s not bad if your brain is lying to you and really making you live in darkness, that’s not your fault.

I’ve learned a lot the past two years and the biggest thing is this:

you matter.
yup, you. The one reading this post right now.

YOU MATTER.

And I know life is wild and super super hard sometimes, but I want you to keep fighting for your life. Because there will be better days, and hopefully tomorrow will be kinder (something that my friend Nathan always reminds me about).

Keep going. Keep hanging on. The world needs you. I promise.

If you or someone you know needs help now, call 800-273-8255.


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