I’m still trying to gather my thoughts. To make sense of all the rumblings happening inside my head. For the past few months, none of them have made that much sense.
I mean, sure, the thought to take a break from Instagram, that one was clear to understand. But the rest didn’t seem to go together.
Everything’s a mess, and I’m so stressed!
I just want to have more happiness in my life.
Am I doing this [life] wrong?
Should I buy this book or this one?
Ooof I really regret buying that.
Oh! What if this ______ finally helps me ________? (planner get organized, plotting book become a plotter, etc)
I wish the dishes would do themselves.
I want to read more with Von.
Why is it so hard for me to put my phone down?
I’d love to wake up earlier, but I just can’t seem to get out of bed.
I wish I had more motivation
Will this pandemic ever end?
These thoughts would come at random times, but mostly, with every single one of them I felt overwhelmed. Like I wasn’t doing enough.
But then it dawned on me, maybe I was doing enough. Maybe I was doing more than enough, but maybe I was focusing on things that weren’t actually essential to my life.
Do the dishes need to get done, yes, but dishes weren’t really the problem.
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One day I asked myself the question, what do I really need?
Followed quickly by What do I really love? What is absolutely essential in my life?
I’d been thinking about essential things ever since I re-read Essentialism a few months ago. The answers to these questions were surprisingly simple, eye-opening, and made me realize that I was spending a large part of my time not focused on these things.
How could that be though? If I knew, deep down, the things that I valued and held high in my mind, why wasn’t I making those an actual priority?
One reason? I think for the past several years I got caught up. Caught up in having all the books that everyone else on bookstagram had. Caught up with the idea that unless all the rooms in our house looked Pinterest perfect all the time, then I was doing something wrong. I got caught up in wondering what everyone else would think if I posted a picture that was out of the norm of what I have been posting on social media for the past 5 years.
I got caught up in what everyone else was doing and thinking that I forgot to listen to myself.
But could this answer, could this reason actually help me figure out how I actually wanted to live my life? A little, yeah.
I’ve had a lot of realizations over the past several months. Maybe it’s because I’m coming out of the pandemic with a fresher perspective of the things that really matter to me. Maybe I’m tired of trying to keep up with all the new books and my credit card debt is driving me up the wall. Maybe, just maybe, I’m ready to step into a life that’s more aligned with the person I want to be and how I want to live.
I’m still figuring out what all this means for me. I’m still figuring out how exactly I want to live my life. But one thing I do know is that I’m not going to be running to Instagram to see what so and so said about this or if they read and liked a book I loved. I’m going to start caring more about what I’m doing and how it makes me feel.
Some may think that’s selfish. Ultimately though, I feel like if more people lived lives that were truer to themselves, the world would be a much better place. I’m much happier and more willing to give and serve and help when my own needs are met.
At some point though, I stopped caring about what I thought or felt and just tried to see if I could build my life based on what everyone else is doing. But that isn’t working for me anymore, so it’s time to try something new.