Midnight Musings: The Lie About Having it all Together

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Full disclosure, it’s not even close to midnight as I’m sitting down to type this. It’s 6:08pm but the thought of staying up till midnight to actually share my musings sounds exhausting.

So here we are.

We just got through most of a busy day. We did our preschool this morning, I somehow managed to keep the kitchen counters semi-clean all day, and we even took a leisurely car ride (me and Von) around our new town before nap time.

It’s 6:10 now and all I can think about is my running to-do list, the calls I didn’t make today, and the fact that my office is a disaster.

I also can’t stop thinking about these words floating around in my head.

The ones that are calling to me and pulling me in a million different directions. About how I want to blog for fun cause I love it, but how I’d also like to make some money from it since I do put so much work into it. How I want Von (and me) to have less screen time, yet when 3:00 hits and we’re both in need of a break, I scroll through Instagram while she watches Mickey. And later when I start dinner, I wonder why I wasn’t more productive while I had some ‘down’ time.

I could have been writing or reading or doing something to fill my tank, instead of mindlessly scrolling.

So I turn on my audiobook, The Kids Are In Bed (phenomenal by the way), and start to think about how online we all seem to have it all together. How we all know that having it all together isn’t actually a thing, and yet… that’s still what we share.

I know that’s what I share.

We don’t always share the nitty-gritty, because maybe we’re ashamed that we don’t have it all together like the mom down the street seems to have. Or maybe because we aren’t trying to complain or sound like we’re seeking pity.

Maybe, just maybe, we want to share what’s really going on in hopes that someone will reach out and say “oh hey, I’m feeling that too.”

But we don’t, at least, a lot of us don’t.

So no, I don’t have it all together, in case you were thinking that. My dog woke me up three minutes before my alarm went off and my day started from there. I’ve got a night class in 45 minutes and after that it’ll be bedtime, possibly some homework, posting on Instagram, and reading, because I finally made that part of my routine.

I’ve gone to bed exhausted the past few nights. Happy, but exhausted.

It’s a busy time in our lives right now, even though we really don’t go anywhere. I feel like I’m trying to twirl all the plates so they don’t shatter. I know I need to sit down and figure out what plates I can let go of, even for a little while, so that I can feel less overwhelmed and not head into burnout.

Our life is messy and good and exhausting and fun and my anxiety is bad and then it’s not and then it’s bad again and we just keep on going because I do believe it will all be worth it in the end.

Now it’s 6:17 and I’m going to pick up my office a little before class, while Griff plays outside with V, even though no one on my zoom call will be able to see much of the room. Even though there are a million things I could be doing and maybe should be doing. I want to clean, so I’m going to.

Or maybe I’ll just sit, cause that sounds nice too and cleaning can always happen tomorrow (or the next day)


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