I sat, my hands fidgeting. I should go up there. I think to myself. It’s been too long.
But what would I even say?
I watch as another person gets up. They talk about Jesus. About how grateful they are the missionaries keep coming to see them. About the power that comes from reading the Book of Mormon.
That! I could say something about that! I’ve been reading the Book of Mormon a lot recently, trying to read it faster and I know I’ve felt His power while I’ve read it and modern day talks from the apostles.
I wait for that feeling to come. The one that I’ve felt hundreds of times. The one that warms my heart and I know, deep down that I have to get up and share my testimony. But today, today it doesn’t come.
After another testimony I think “well, growing up I always learned that our testimony grows when we share it, so maybe I should just get up and talk about something. Anything.”
But my heart isn’t in it. I start to ponder. Why is it so hard for me today? Or in general? Am I lacking in faith? It doesn’t really feel like that to me, but I definitely don’t feel as though my testimony is as strong as it once was.
Throughout the rest of the meeting I listen and go back to my own thoughts. Thoughts of how I let anxiety, hardships, trials, and the many things in my life come to the forefront, instead of keeping God there. A woman talks of how even through all her physical (and emotional) pain, she knows that God is good, that He will deliver, even if the relief doesn’t come now. He’s making her strong.
I used to believe that.
Do I not anymore? I want to. I want to so desperately. I wring my hands again and wonder where my testimony is.
Then I feel it. Not the strong nudge to go up and share my thoughts and feelings at the pulpit, but maybe, just maybe today I should write it out, here, instead.
I feel like there’s a lot of things I don’t know right now. A lot that I could say about that, but that’s not what I want to share.
I know Jesus Christ is my Savior. I know He died for me, so that I might live again. I know He loves me and you, that’s why He died for us. I know that the peace and joy that has been promised comes when we follow the commandments and stay close to the Spirit.
I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God, alongside the Bible. I know that even though I have questions and things I don’t understand that God does know and understand and that someday I will too. I have hope that good things will come. I trust in His promises. I know He keeps them.
That is my testimony today.
And I’m hopeful that someday soon I’ll feel the nudge to get up and share it, but until then, I’ll write it here.