On the Verge // Wondering Why

My heart is beating incredibly fast when I wake up, I feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack.

I try to slow my breathing, but my mind and heart are racing.

Did I have a nightmare I can’t remember? Am I nervous about teaching in Primary today? Am I nervous about something else?

These questions float through my mind. Why am I anxious today? It’s just a regular summer Sunday. Nothing notable happened in the past week or so that should have set off my anxiety, so why today?

I roll over, pulling my weighted blanket up over my chest, it sort of helps.

“God,” I whisper, “why is this happening? Please help me.”

The anxiety follows me through the day. It’s one of those days that I can’t quite figure out where the anxiety came from or wh it’s sticking around. It sort of feels like it’s haunting me.

It’s days like these, that I really hate anxiety the most. The part of my mind that isn’t plagued with anxiety is like “hello…. why are we anxious today? Nothing is scary.” I wish that could talk myself out of the panic, but that doesn’t usually work.

For so long when I first started having panic attacks and constant anxiety, I got angry and bitter. Why me? I’d constantly ask. Why isn’t God helping me?

I struggled with the advice to “oh just pray more or read your scriptures” because when I was on the verge of a panic attack (and I nearly always seemed to be back then) I was just trying to stay calm, and praying just made me angry.

It all felt so unfair. Sometimes it still does. There’s this part of my mind that I don’t really have control over. I’ve come a long way to learn healthy coping skills that work, but at the end of the day, I don’t always know what things will trigger me or when anxiety will make its appearance.

I also don’t always know why.

And sometimes that’s incredibly hard for me. It feels incredibly unfair.

But life isn’t fair. There is so much heartache and illness and so many other things that we all struggle with. God doesn’t always take it away, but it doesn’t mean that he’s not there. I don’t always understand His will, but I am learning that He is there for us. And because of Christ, all that doesn’t make sense will someday be made whole.

“Do not let unfairness harden you or corrode your faith in God. Instead, ask God for help. Increase your appreciation for and reliance on the Savior. Rather than becoming bitter, let Him help you become better. Allow Him to help you perserver, to let your afflictions be “swallowed up in the joy of Christ. Join Him in His Mission “to heal all the brokenhearted,” strive to mitigate unfairness, and become a stonecatcher.” – Dale G. Renlund


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