Sometimes I forget that Von is just a tiny little human. That it's not her fault when she cries or can't fall asleep because she's so tired. She doesn't know how to be a human. She can't talk or tell me what's bothering her or what she needs. Sometimes I forget that she's just a baby and that I shouldn't hold her to the standard that I hold myself or adults. Because when I do that, I get frustrated.
Sometimes I forget that I'm human too. That I do need to rest and recharge and take breaks from things that are draining. Sometimes I forget that I don't have to do it all alone, that I've got a big support system with Griffin, my family, friends, and of course, God.
Sometimes I forget about God.
Tonight a lot of things changed.
The past few nights have been tough since Von will go to bed then wake up an hour or two later and be awake for a couple of hours. She doesn't really want to play and she isn't cranky but she won't let us rock her or snuggle her even though she's so tired and she just cries and cries and cries if we put her in her crib (I'm not a huge fan of the cry it out method.) And tonight as I was trying to get her down at 8, she was already starting to fight it and I got frustrated real fast.
I put her in her crib and she cried and cried and cried and I went and asked Griffin for a blessing. I was praying and praying and praying but I couldn't get over my feelings of fear that Von would be awake until midnight like she was last night and I couldn't let go of my frustrations.
I'm feeling so thankful for that blessing. It was everything I needed to hear and after I was able to go and pick up Von and even though it took a bit to get her to sleep, she's currently sleeping and I'm praying she'll sleep through the night.
But I also realized a few things (and God told me a few things through Griffin's blessings) Being a mom is a gift, one that I take for granted all too often. I need to focus more on love and less on everything else that I've been focusing on.
I'm going to take a step back from social media for a while so that I can clear my head and stop the constant flow of inspiration (and comparison). I'm writing tonight because this is something that I want to document. And essentially my blog has been my journal in the past and it will be more like that for a while.
I don't know how often I'll post, but I know I'll be talking more about the real stuff instead of trying so hard to be that blogger/influencer that I wanted to be for a while. Right now my #1 job is being Von's mom (and my 2nd is writing a book because I really want to do that and feel called to do that.)
Sometimes I forget who I am and what my purpose is in life at this moment. But I want to remember and I want to be better.