It's late as I'm writing this. 1:00 in the morning. Von had a hard time going to sleep, then I had a hard time going to sleep, and then she woke up and now it's after 1 and I'm still awake. But I had to get these thoughts out of my head or else I may never sleep.
Early today I felt that familiar anxiety creep in. The one that I get when I start thinking about money and our finances. It's part of the reason I couldn't sleep, because all I could think about was our debt and how it feels like we're never going to be able to buy a house, or even a second car. Not because we don't have money, because Griffin actually makes decent money, but because our spending habits aren't good.
Something has to change.
I sort of want to laugh because last month I wrote a post all about how I wanted to start a year of less, and even though I wrote it, nothing actually changed. At least, not at first. I still bought things (mostly impulse purchases) and I always felt guilty afterward. Did I really need another notebook? Do I actually need to buy that book when I can just get it at the library? Did we really need to buy that new TV that we've been talking about for years?
But something in my mind and heart has been changing.
We don't actually have a lot of debt. At least not compared to most people. I think we owe about $3000 on credit cards and hospital bills. It's not a lot, at least, that's what part of me tells myself. I see so many people talking about the hundreds of thousands of dollars that they owe and my own debt seems so small.
But it feels so big.
It feels like such a big weight that I'm ready to let go of.
I'm tired of worrying about money. I want to be debt free. I want to build up a better savings and be able to spurge every now and then.
I also want to have a second car (a used one is totally fine!) and a house to call our own. And when I think about the bigger picture, it's easier to skip on the book I haven't read yet, and put it on hold at the library instead. It's easier to exit out of my cart without actually buying something because I have a bigger goal in mind.
I'm not trying to say that these things are bad, but I feel like my consuming habits haven't been the healthiest. And it's time to change. Because something has to change. We've been in the same financial situation (with different amounts of debt) for the last couple of years and honestly I'm just tired. Tired of the debt. Tired of my poor money choices.
I feel really vulnerable sharing this. It seems weird to be talking about money, and yet, I want to because I want to share this journey so that in a few years I can look back and remember when everything changed for me.
Things have been changing for a while now.
I've been thinking about money and our finances all year. One of my big goals for 2019 is to get our finances under control, and even though when I made that goal I didn't really have a plan or make much of an effort, I'm making an effort now.
As I sat down to plan my goals for the month of May, I kept thinking about what Rachel Hollis talks about in her book, Girl, Stop Apologizing. She talks about how we should have big dreams. Lots of them. But how we should work on ONE goal at a time. That really struck me, because I constantly feel like I'm trying to do a million things at once.
All of my May goals are about our finances. Creating a financial plan. Making a budget. Paying off money on a credit card. Finding new ways to earn money to help our financial situation. Not spending money.
I'm ready to change. I'm ready to learn how to control our finances so that our finances aren't controlling us anymore. There's a life that I want to live and stressing about money isn't how I want to live it, so it's time to change.