I spend too much of my day scrolling Instagram and TikTok.
Anxiety fills my heart and my mind pounds from the headache
that comes from looking at a screen for hours and hours and hours
I glance at Von
She’s been watching a show on the iPad for nearly as long as I’ve been staring at a screen.
This is not the life I want for us.
I know we need to change. I know I need to change
But I’m frozen
paralyzed by fear
What will the first day be like?
Can I mentally handle the tantrums from her and my own feelings that are bound to come up when I put a limit on screentime?
What will we do?
Last winter was so mind-numbing.
The clocks changed and I slipped into depression.
dark and lonely and foggy
We came out alive on the other side, but with a new problem
We relyed on screens a little too much.
They made life easy.
If I need a few minutes in bed? She can watch a show
But one show turns into all morning
slipping into the whole day
And I wonder if I’m still a little depressed and numb
Winter is coming and I don’t want to be
locked behind screens
I want to live
I don’t know how to start.
The idea of letting go of our screens, or even just cutting down
fills me with a new layer of fear.
How will we fill our time?
Will there be tears?
What if I have a PTSD episode and can’t get out of bed? What then? Will I have one bad day and will it all go back to what it was before.
What it is right now?
It feels like I’m peeling away fears—uncovering more.
And we haven’t even started yet.
In the past, this is when I’d walk away. I’d throw in the towel before I even made the change.
Not this time.
This time I want to be brave
Even if there are tears (hers and mine)
Even if it’s hard
Even if we get bored
Even if we do watch a movie once 3:00 rolls around
I have to change
I want to change this
I’m so tired of living the way that I am
So today I’m taking the first step
Even though it kind of feels like jumping off a building
But I’m holding onto hope that instead of falling,
This post is part of a blog hop with Exhale—an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind Coffee + Crumbs. Click here to view the next post in the series “Unmasking Fears”.