Things On My Mind | Day 6

I didn’t share my thoughts from day 5 on my blog yesterday, because the post ended up being really personal. But I’m back tonight and my mind seems to be bursting at the seams.

All day I’ve been wondering when everything seemed to change in my life. When did we grow up and get a house and have a kid? How did it all happen so quickly and also feel like it took so long?

In so many ways, this is exactly how I pictured my life turning out. And in so many ways it’s so different than what I pictured at 16, 18, and even 21 as we started our married life together. Isn’t it funny (and great) how things change and turn out better than you thought they would have?

In 2016, I felt a shift in myself as PTSD symptoms started happening daily in my life and anxiety hit in full force. There were a few things that happened that year that I sometimes feel completely altered me and I sometimes miss the before me. The one who was naively happy and not so anxious about every single thing.

It’s hard some days, to not miss that life. The one with us as newlyweds, living on the upstairs floor of an old house right by the Provo library. They weren’t completely glamorous, but they were some of my favorite times. But I’m really trying hard to be present in this moment.

I’m trying not to worry about the first frost or when the days turn colder and darker (I had to have a therapy session about this a few weeks ago, simply because seasonal depression hit so hard last winter, my brain is already gearing up for the next one) Even though it was in the mid 80’s today.

How on earth do I make time slow down and enjoy these days full of Von playing in the bath, carrying her tiny toys from room to room, and asking if we can read another picture book.

I don’t want to look back in six years and ache for these days. I want to enjoy right now, and in the future (when I’m there) I want to enjoy it then too.

So here’s to planning our first-ever “Back (start) of School” feast that I plan on having sometime in August. Von might only be going to preschool, but it still feels like an event worth celebrating. And here’s to slowing down, to rushing less and living more and not worrying about fall or winter, just taking the seasons as they come.

This blog post is part of the Writing the Every Day challenge which can be found here.

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