I know you all experienced this with me…
most of us went from talking about the coronavirus saying, “it’s just sort of like the flu” or “the flu kills more people”, etc.. I think in the past 48 hours I’ve really realized how serious this is, and why we need to hunker down and just settle for a little bit so that this can all settle.
last week I had my first therapy appointment in two years.
I’ve been so consumed with anxiety. I’ve been getting triggered a lot (not from the virus, but from other, personal things that relate back to my trauma from being sexually and emotionally abused 10 years ago)
Just yesterday I was crying with my husband, sharing more detail with him than I have in a while about what’s going on in my head and in my body.
We applied for an apartment. It felt so good and so freeing and so right.
Today Griff worked from home. He hasn’t gotten the official notice from work to stay at home, but he chose to anyway. I decided I’d brave the stores. Stock up on diapers, dog food, wipes, and a few other food things that we needed.
I wasn’t ready for the overwhelming anxiety that seems to be floating all around us. I wasn’t ready to feel fear when I saw the empty rows that once held toilet paper.
I was confused as to why all the toilet paper was gone, but that the shelves are still stocked with food. I still was struggling to understand what is happening right now.
I kept thinking about Italy being on lockdown, and how that wouldn’t ever happen to us here in the US because it’s so much bigger… But things can get serious (more serious) if we don’t listen to the CDC and our church (my church is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) who have asked us to stay in if we can. To wash our hands and be proactive in taking care of ourselves.
For years the church has been telling us to prepare and have extra reserves (food, money, etc). And for years I’ve only sort of been listening.
Today was a wake-up call.
a call for me to do better, to be better.
So we’ll be staying in for a while, I’ve got a nice stack of books to read and a book that needs editing. We’ve got food and supplies. I honestly think that if we do listen and buckle down now, we can slow the spread so that our healthcare system isn’t as overwhelmed, so that not as many people die because we’ll be able to get the care we need if we’re not all sick at the same time.
I’m not a doctor. I’ve just been tuning into the CDC (and ignoring a lot of the other news, cause that’s just giving me more anxiety). But I feel like today and this whole experience is showing me that life can change in an instant.
That the world we live in really is so connected and we do need each other more than ever (even If that means virtually at the moment).
And that we do need to be prepared. For this and for anything else that might happen in the future.
We’re not going to be moving out of my in-laws right now, instead, we’re going to build up our financial reserve (which I did cry about, I’ve been craving my own space for a lot of reasons, but as I read the scriptures tonight, I felt an overwhelming feeling that we need to stay for right now) that now isn’t the time to move.
I’m choosing faith over fear
because fear is just too scary
and fear isn’t from God.
In their official announcement suspending all of our church meetings, the leaders of the church said this “We bear our witness of the Lord’s love during this time of uncertainty. He will bless you to find joy as you do your best to live the gospel of Jesus Christ in every circumstance.” Sincerely, The First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.
One of my favorite hymns says “fear not I am with thee, oh be not dismayed, for I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I’ll strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand, Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand.”
We’re going to take the necessary precautions. We’re going to do better at saving for a rainy day and having extra things on hand so that I won’t be swept up in the panic again.
I don’t know what the days ahead hold, but I do know that I don’t want fear and anxiety to rule my life. I’ve let them rule my life for far too long.
Now I’m choosing faith.
I’m choosing to prepare and listen to the people who do know what they’re talking about.
I’m choosing to lean on Christ because that gives me so much hope and comfort.
And I’m also choosing to live as fully and normally as I can. I’ll keep writing on my blog. I’ll continue working on my novel. I’ll keep calling my parents and grandparents and enjoying the things that remain steady, in this crazy crazy world.
And now, now I’m going to bed because I’m exhausted and even though writing all of this out did help me feel less anxious, I’m still tired. Plus I know that taking care of my body will help me stay healthier.
Thanks for reading <3 I know this wasn’t my ‘typical post’ but there may be more journal type posts like this in the future because I do love writing them.
Stay safe friends. Watch out for each other. And don’t buy all the toilet paper :p
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